This Question Is From: Pharmacy Technician Schools in Connecticut and has 28 Answers
My now fiance and I met while in our undergrad programs. For the past four years we have been absolutely devoted to one another, and done everything that has been asked of us. Her parents are old-fashioned New England traditionalists that have insisted on very strict adherence to the old ways. For the first three years we were dating, she could not visit my apartment overnight, and when I visited her I slept in the basement. To stay with her, I turned down a lucrative job offer after school to stay in the state, and help support her finishing her graduate program. Now, she is planning on helping me as I enter law school.
In December, we were engaged and tentatively planned a wedding for the summer of 2010. By this point she is finished with pharmacy school and I would have completed my first year of law school, while living with friends. We will be apart for the year. The early wedding was to placate their beliefs so that when she moves to be with me after that first year we would have already been married.
Now, her parents have said they will not pay for the wedding. They argue that since they have put both their daughters through school they can’t afford it. While this is normally a perfectly valid argument it doesn’t hold much water with me since they recently found money for a new BMW, a new truck, a new snowmobile and a $5,000 gun. It feels that they are putting their own greed above their daughter’s happiness. And that is fine, and certainly there choice.
However, they are now saying because we won’t be married until after I finish law school that she can’t live with me while I am in school. Also, they have said that despite our wishes to have a wedding on Cape Cod, where we spend a lot of time and where my family is from that they won’t attend since it is more than one hour drive from their home in Connecticut. Am I wrong or is this rediculous?
I was brought up to believe that traditionally the bride’s parents would pay, and that more modernly the groom’s family would pay a signficant share. Only recently has it been argued that the bride and groom should pay themselves, and that is not usually argued by the same people that are advocating strict adherence to tradition.Plus, if we do pay for the wedding ourselves shouldn’t we get to choose exactly where it is and when it is? Again am I wrong? Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
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You are absolutely right! It sounds like her parents are very strict and traditional in terms of the beliefs. If they do not wish to contribute to the wedding, then they should have little say in how it is planned. You are right in that this is YOUR wedding and should do what you want!
How is your fiance handling al of this? I’m sure she is frustrated with the whole situation too. Just be sure that as long as she is ok with doing things non-traditionaly, then all is well. Her parents will come to their senses when they realize their daughter is getting married and they can’t control her actions anymore.
Do they expect you to have the wedding in backyard so it is convenient for them? Come on. Less important relatives have flown across the world to see loved ones get married and they can’t drive an hour to be there for their daughter?????
well thyat used to be the thought-however today no one is under the gun to pay for anything-and as far as them attending togh cookies for them- me id take her to jamaka and get hitched- great place to get married- oh and never turn down lucrative jobs for women-youll always regret that-if it was ment to be-it will
parents of the bride or the groom are under NO obligation to pay for a wedding; you and your fiance are responsible for paying for the wedding you want and can afford…..
I agree with your final statement there – if you and your fiancee are paying for the wedding, you can choose whatever location you wish. I understand your hands were basically tied if her parents were footing the bill, but that appears to not be the case. I personally think you might live to regret making all your decisions based on them, though; I mean, you’re starting your lives together and it should be how you two want it, not how her parents want it.
Are you and your fiancee traditionalists? I doubt it. If her parents don’t “approve” of your living situation, etc. then don’t include them in the plans. She’s certainly old enough to make her own decisions. If she keeps catering to them, you’re going to be married to both her and her parents, and all your major choices will have to be run by them first. Teach them that you two are now in charge. Best of luck with school, and congratulations!
Here’s what I don’t get- why on Earth should your fiancee’s parents be 100% responsible for paying for the wedding? That is kind of an old-fashioned notion, dating back to the days of arranged marriages and dowries. The bride’s parents used to pay because they were literally “giving her away” to the groom’s family, and their ability to pay for the wedding was sort of their gift to the groom’s family for taking her off their hands. Of course you’ll agree that much has changed. People marry for love, not financial reasons (hopefully), and women are far more independent these days, with careers of their own, and no longer rely solely on their families and then their husbands for money. These days many couples pay for their wedding themselves, and while the parents of both the bride and the groom often contribute to the wedding costs, it is increasingly rare for the bride’s family to pick up the whole tab anymore. If you want to be married to this girl by summer 2010, you have several choices: either have a small wedding that you and she can easily afford with nobody’s help, or elope at the city courthouse. Or you can just hold off on the engagement until you can afford the big wedding you wanted, if that’s so important to you. Funny how “traditional” people suddenly get quite modern when money becomes involved, eh?
Traditionally, the grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s family pays for the wedding reception and ceremony. My parents are not wealthy by any means but my fiance’s parents do have a bit. My parents don’t have the money so I am paying for the ceremony and reception. As little as my parents have, they agreed to prepare a vegetable tray, cheese and crackers, and fruit and dip for the reception for finger foods. My fiance’s parents are still only paying for the rehearsal dinner but knowing that I can’t completely pay for the wedding by myself, my fiance is helping me out. Ultimately, everyone is doing what they can. It should be that way. I think you are right in thinking it’s ridiculous for them to not come to the wedding because it’s an hour away. Who cares. That’s there little girl and they need to be there. You shouldn’t have to make sacrifices for something like that. I don’t think it’s right to think that they should be obligated to pay anything, but it is pretty common that they can afford such lavishing items but can’t help their daughter out on her wedding. I think there is more to it. I don’t think it’s about them sticking to being old fashioned. I hate to say it, but I just think they don’t like you.
Hi,
I agree with her parents that they don’t HAVE to pay and it’s their choice what they do with their money.
BUT….
Since that is the case, and you’ll get married later with your own money:
a). they really don’t have a say on whether you two live together or not prior to the marriage.
Afterall, you are adults- the only REAL reason that stopped you from choosing how you live was that you depended on them financially (i.e.: for paying for the wedding). So now that they don’t pay anymore, your fiancee (NOT YOU) should put her foot down, explain them nicely but firmly that it’s her life, her choice and you are gonna live together whether they like it or not.
b). You two pay for the wedding so you do it however you two decide. Parents can make suggestions but they don’t have a say in it.
Good luck and Congrats!
well it’s all about precedent isn’t it? you’ve shown them you can be pushed around by adhering to their antiquated rules all this time. if you want to be your own man (and wife), start doing your own thing. they’ll realize how petty they’re being and follow along if they know what’s good for them. if not, if they don’t support you living together or your cape cod wedding, the heck with them. the bonds of blood and family are overrated- God didn’t put you on this planet to suffer a lifetime of strife and idiocy. if they give you problems, separate yourself from them. in this day and age, it’s idiotic not to live with someone before you’re married. 80% of divorces are over money and you can’t truly see how someone spends their money unless you’re part of the same household. be practical and don’t set your marriage up for failure. forget about them giving you any money for the wedding, pay for it yourself and by doing so, have the wedding you want. why sacrifice your dream of being married on the cape just for these petty people who make your life miserable? the heck with them.
Remember the wedding is not what is important here. It is the marriage and the relationship. I think you should wait until you are married before living together. I also think that her parents are being a bit unreasonable but it is their right to spend their money any way they choose. They put the girls through college which costs a LOT of money so perhaps they feel they put the money towards education instead of a wedding, which is better for the girls IMHO.
Pay for your own wedding and have a wedding you can afford. If you both want the wedding at Cape Cod then have it there. IF her parents say they will not attend you say Sorry we will miss you there. I bet that if you stand your ground they will come to the wedding no matter where it is. I understand their beliefs and your wanting to respect that but time comes when it is time to say good bye to mom and dad and what they might think best and stand on your own. What is really important and what concerns me is your girlfriend’s apparent silence on this. She should be standing up and telling her parents when they are pushing and when they cross the line. Not letting you sleep together in their home without benifit of marriage is totally their call and they have every right to make it. Where your wedding will take place is totally your call( and your bride’s) and you have every right to make it. IF you pay for the wedding and do not have it where you want to have it, who do you have to blame…yourself so………
Traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. Also, traditionally the wedding is in or around the bride’s hometown.
However, they are under no obligation to pay. Many times these days the couple pays for the wedding themselves.
It sounds like the bride’s family does not approve of the marriage. No family in their right mind will boycott a son’s or daughter’s wedding because it’s an hour away. They are trying to manipulate their daughter by putting these road blocks in her way. It is unfortunate.
I don’t understand something: Are you and your fiance in agreement that you shouldn’t live together before marriage or are you only getting married to please her family? Marriage is a big step and it needs to be done with serious consideration by the two people.
I think if you want to get married, then get married.
It doesn’t have to be a large affair to be beautiful.
If you’re paying for the wedding yourselves then you do get to choose the location and when it is. I think by standing your ground there will always be some kind of in-law issues. However, if you don’t stand your ground then you may start being controlled by the need to please the in-laws rather than what is best for your fiance and yourself. This is something best discussed between the two of you.
You are right. It’s ridiculous. Pay for the event yourselves and have it when and where you and your lady like. You’re both adults and shouldn’t bow to your future in-laws demands…especially if you’re footing the bill (and I’d start out your lives together by telling them exactly that!)
While I agree that is is tradition for the bride’s parents to pay the wedding bill, it certainly isn’t necessary. If they put tons of money out for her schooling, I don’t blame them for not wanting to foot a huge wedding bill. In my opinion, a large wedding isn’t anything but a huge waste of time and cash, anyway. You can accomplish the same thing in front of a justice of the peace. If you want a huge wedding, start saving the cash and get over yourself. This is 2009, not 1899.
I can see why you’re frustrated and confused by your fiancees parents – insisting on you getting married and then refusing to stump up any money. If they’re are such traditionalists, I’d have thought it was traditional for the bride’s family to pay for the reception!
Easiest thing to do – don’t try to analyze it. You want to marry your girl? Go to town hall with your closest friends and family members and have a nice dinner afterward. That way, no-one kicks up a fuss about you living together and when you’ve graduated and saved a little money, you’ll be able to have a big wedding wherever and however you want to.
good luck!
There are several things I would like to address. I’ll address the topic of paying for the wedding first.
Traditionally, yes, you are right — the bride’s parents do pay. The groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding night’s stay. ESPECIALLY given how “traditional” her parents are, they should pay. More recently young adults who have careers already have started to pay for their own weddings. But, again… not traditional.
Now. On the topic of your fiance and her parents: if she lets her parents stop her from getting married to you because they won’t pay for it, you have a bigger fish to fry than deciding who pays for the wedding. I do not mean to say your fiance doesn’t love you. I DO mean to say that if her parents have that strong of a hold over her and she goes according to their plan, no ifs or buts, you are in for a lifetime of issues with your fiance and your future inlaws.
Please stand your ground. You have put up with enough, and you deserve to be happy! You are certainly in the right with this scenario.
You are firstly not in the wrong to feel this way. They are being unreasonable while being a little controlling.
The fact that they wont drive 1 hour for the wedding of their daughter sounds really selfish and uncaring to me.
I think you both should pay for it yourselves. No ones parents should pay if they are not.
I think you should have it when and where you want it and you should try to pay for most of it on your own.
Another thing. Although i dont think it a good idea to lie, the only way i think you can get around her staying in the same place as you is if you dont tell them that she is staying with you. But thats up to you otherwise it looks like youll be staying alone untill your wed.
It is absolutely ridiculous and childish that her parents will not accomodate any of your wishes. First off, if they are NOT paying…how is it that they feel they can dictate their desires? It is your and your fiancee’s day!
If her parent’s want to ruin their daughter’s wedding by not attending, then so be it. They will regret it in time. I know there should be compromise but you have done nothing wrong.
The marriage should not be about the “wedding show” it should be about the commitment to each other. Go get married at the justice of peace. That will take care of the traditional “don’t sleep/live together issue the parent have”. If parents found money for things to buy for themselves, that is their business not yours her their daughters. If the parents feel “left out” of attending your marriage, they can foot the bill fo a “commitment” ceremony with all the bells and whistles. You don’t have to “wait” until your out of college to get married. If you love each, you get married and start your life. Don’t worry about anyone except the two of you.
If you love her and she loves you, you’ll find a way to pay for it yourselves. The courthouse does no cost a significant amount, nor does eloping in Vegas. You are both adults, it’s time to start acting like adults. Never expect anyone to pay for anything. Always assume you’re footing the bill and if anyone offers help, accept graciously.
Good luck!
The basic decision you need to make is:
Do you want to be married? OR… do you want a wedding??
If you and the woman want to be married and are of legal age…then, get married.
If you want a big extravagant wedding, then you will need to follow mom & dad’s rules or start saving your $$
Be very grateful your fiance isn’t coming out of school loaded with debt thanks to her parents and bite your tongue that you think their not paying for a wedding is unfair. In these modern days, folks like me have $60-grand+ in school debt (bachelors & masters) and are still managing to work and pay for their own weddings (mine has an $18k price tag).
You & your fiance should have jobs & savings to pay for your wedding, not be relying on anyone’s parents to foot the bill!
You are correct, however, if you are paying that you get to choose when & where. So start working & saving and planning the wedding you want. I would imagine that her parents will come around on the idea of a cape cod wedding (which IMO is a lovely idea if you both can afford it).
I respect you for adhering to her parent’s standards, but maybe you’re doing so for the wrong reasons. I don’t know.
Were you following the rules so they would pay for you to have an elaborate wedding? If so, it didn’t work.
If they have paid for their two daughters to attend college, and at least one through grad school, it’s time they got to use their own money for themselves. They deserve the “toys” they’ve bought if they have that kind of money.
They spent good money on education. It’s an investment in their daughters’ lives that will pay back forever. Unfortunately a wedding isn’t such an investment. This is not “greed above happiness.” Parents don’t owe happiness to their children. They owe values, roots, love and care. Those who can give their children an education are even more blessed. But they don’t owe even that to their adult children.
I think you have a poor attitude and need a reality check. That you would feel like your wedding should be more important to her hard working parents is an indication that you really don’t “catch” adulthood and the responsibilities that go with it.
Sorry, but I vote with the parents.
EDIT: Don’t know why I came back here, and I can get 2000 thumbs down and not change my mind on this one. The parents don’t want their daughter living with someone without being married. Period! That is there belief system. But that has nothing to do with the fact that you & a few others think they owe you a wedding.
My 85 year old retired medical doctor grandfather might believe that I should eat healthy. But that does not mean he has to buy my groceries. Make any sense? If you have the education you claim to have, you’ll catch it eventually.
here is your golden ticket answer i understand how wonderful the cape is ( my family has a summer home there well cottage) I see where you are comming from this is truly there way of saying you are not good enough for there little girl if she loves you as much as you love and care for her nothing matters take a trip someplace with a little wedding chapel and get married no fuss no major people then after you are both married hold a big wedding stating you made it a celebration of accomplishment’s.
This might sound rude, but do her parents approve of YOU and their daughter being together? It sounds to me that they are just making excuses. Just a thought.
And yes, if you are paying….you get to do whatever you want where ever you want!
Good LUCK!
You have several issues going on, and I’ll address one at a time. IMO, your core issue is that your fiance is too much under the control of her parents.
>>However, they are now saying because we won’t be married until after I finish law school that she can’t live with me while I am in school.<<
Okay, so what? If she’s an adult, she can live with you if she so chooses. You and she have obeyed the parental rules for over 3 years. Isn’t it time she and you develop some independence and stop obeying a rule meant for kids?
Also, it’s time to stop acting like kids and pay for your own wedding at the location of your choosing. I agree that it’s ridiculous that her parents won’t make the effort to attend their own daughter’s wedding if it’s more than an hour away, but to each their own.
As to the parents’ “greed” that they won’t pay for their daughter’s wedding, it’s their money and they can decide how they want to spend it. If they want to pay for their children’s education, a new Beamer, new truck, snowmobile, and a $5000 gun, that’s their business. It’s odd they’re so traditional about sleeping arrangements but not about paying for the wedding, but again, their right/their choice/their business.
You and she need to assert your independence from her parents and live the life that suits you, not them.
You are very right. Man you are in one tough situation! What I would do is do exactly as you wish. Have the wedding where YOU want it, since it seems as you are paying, and simply hope They come. Keep them involved in everything, and I’m sure they will come around. My family is very traditional and is paying for my wedding, and it sounds like that’s how they were. If she wants to move in with you, do it! There are no more sT®ings attached anymore. I say live your life, and when you hav e kids remember how much this is hu®ting you so you don’t do the same.
Edit: sorry about the funky letters, my blackberry is weird!!
Sweetie,
While it’s traditional for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, times have changed.Brides no longer go directly from their parents home to their marital home at a tender age…and they usually didn’t have a career save for homemaking and taking care of the babies.
Perhaps the best thing for you two to do, since they are now refusing to pay for a wedding (and they do have the right to spend what money they have any way they wish), for you & your gal to have a small simple ceremony at Cape Cod as you wish, who ever comes, comes. if your parents can help with the cost, then great…make a simple cake & coffee reception with finger foods-can be very elegant. Or a mid-morning ceremony with a champagne brunch…you DON’T have to do the big white fancy ceremony/reception with dancing & DJ-those are getting outrageously expensive and rather commercialized. Then once you two can afford it have a big anniversary bash and have it anywhere you want.
As far as you two living together before marriage, that’s for you two to decide and it seems to me that at this point ‘Mommy & Daddy’ shouldn’t be dicating/insisting on a ‘traditional’ living arrangement for their daughter when they refuse to be traditional parents of the bride and pay for a wedding. And this is coming from someone who will not live with a man without benefit of marriage.
“They spent good money on education. It’s an investment in their daughters’ lives that will pay back forever. Unfortunately a wedding isn’t such an investment. This is not “greed above happiness.” Parents don’t owe happiness to their children. They owe values, roots, love and care. Those who can give their children an education are even more blessed. But they don’t owe even that to their adult children.”
I’m quoting HIS because this particular point DOES need repeating and as far as this is concerned, I do agree with it and here you really do need to change your attitude of entitlement as far as her parents paying for an expensive wedding.
So sit down with your fiancee and discuss what is important to the two of you, plan it out then do it..if her parents don’t like it, well, you can’t please everyone and since they won’t pay for a wedding, they don’t have a say in it..and don’t ask their permission for your plans, tell them. Just make sure you are polite and respectful while being firm after all what will they do, refuse to pay for the wedding? lol .
Their excuse of distance is rediculous……my hubby & I are attending a wedding in Lake Placid NY in a few weeks and we hafta fly to Albany, then drive 2 1/2 hours to get there, and we are in Nashville, Tn (my sister’s eldest daughter is getting married).
Also, your fiance is an adult now, right? Why are ‘Mommy & Daddy’ dictating to her? Time for her to grow a backbone, don’t cha think?
If you’re paying for the wedding, you have every right to choose when and where it will be. It’s nice that you’re trying to appease her parents wishes but it’s completely unfair to jerk you guys around with their wishy washy decisions. Talk to your fiance and see how she feels. You don’t want to destroy her relationship with her parents but it’s also not fair for you to have to tiptoe around them. Talk to your fiance and see what she’s comfortable with and go from there.
You have so many issues going on here. First, you need to understand that this is her family and she will have a hard time going against their wishes. You have a culture obstacle as well. You will be glad you made concessions though as they will always be her family and you want things to be good between you.
You have your whole life to live as you want to. A year is not that long. If you can’t do that, then is your love really that strong? No one is expected to pay for anything anymore. A lot of couples pay for everything themselves these days. Esp since they have spent a lot of money on her education. Not just 4 years but a higher education. That is quite expensive.
Then traditionally, the wedding is held near the bride’s family. But if you are paying for it, it would be your choice as to where it is held and what you choose you do.
It seems like you want them to pay but go along with whatever you want. I doubt if that is going to happen. It doesn’t in most families, let alone those with strict traditional beliefs.